6/5 Twenty-four things

Rob and I would have celebrated year 24 together today... I'm not going into the office today, and I plan on just being alone for the most part. I understand that acting like this can be perceived as unhealthy, but I prefer to be alone when I'm sad- it allows me to just feel and express the emotion however I want, instead of considering how my actions may effect someone else.

Anyway, I thought I'd write down twenty-four things that I remember/miss/loved about Robert. In no particular order...

1. I've been thinking about this memory a lot lately: When we were in our early teens, Robert used to participate in the Special Olympics. One weekend he was running the 50-yard dash, and my mom and I told him that if he pumped his arms really hard, it would help him run faster. He looked pleased to have this new information, and went to line up. After the gun went off, every other kid started sprinting down the track, except Robert. We turned back to the starting line and there he was, standing there, feet firmly planted, pumping his arms as hard as he could. In between our laughter, we yelled for him to actually RUN! Smiling, he heard us and then took off- still coming in 2nd place.

2. Robert had the most beautiful eyelashes. They were dark and long and curly. He always got complimented on them, and I was always so jealous!

3. I totally didn't appreciate this aspect of his character until now, but he was SO generous! Everytime I came home from school, he would give me little gifts that he had won at school for being a good student. They were always cheap trinkets or lotions, and I was always a little perturbed that he was appearing to pawn off his junk on me. Looking back, he really was just that nice. He wanted people to be happy.

4. Before he tried to lose weight, the way he'd order at restaurants was like this, "Which will give me the most food?" He loved to eat, and so he did!

5. Once he got on the Jenny Craig plan, he lost maybe 30 pounds! He looked great, and it was one of the first times I can remember him truly accomplishing something on his own. I was really proud of him for that.

6. Our family friend Barbara wrote a beautiful message in his memory book, and mentioned his "full face smile." He really did have one. I don't think a picture of Robert exists that doesn't show off his bright and shining smile- eyes lit up and all.

7. He was great with children. Maybe it was a function of being developmentally delayed himself, but he was always so understanding and gentle with them.

8. He was a hopefless romantic... He wanted nothing more than to get married and have babies. So many conversations started off with, "When I have kids..."

9. And he was a flirt!! No female friend could ever escape his constant proposals. He'd always get this shy smirk on his face when they came around, and then ask when they'd be getting married.

10. Sometimes he'd just call to say hi. Really. I'd pick up my phone and he'd say, "Hi." I'd say, "Hi," and then he'd say, "Ok. Bye." And that was that.

11. Robert was "social butterfly" personified. He was instantly friends with everyone he met.

12. The kid had a crazy good ability to memorize directions! He could navigate the public transportation system like nobody's business. I still get lost a couple times a week.

13. He was protective of me. If I ever introduced a boyfriend to the family, he'd say, "Be good to me sister."

14. Despite his disabilities, he never looked at himself as incapable of anything. He even got his driver's license the October before he passed away. He studied for months and months and months, and was able to take the exam orally. I think we missed the same number of points on our driver's tests, too.

15. Even when we were 23 years old, Robert could never sleep passed 6am on Christmas morning. He was always so excited about presents! I'd force myself to sleep as long as possible just to make him wait. Finally, he'd lose patience with me and bring my stocking into my room and make me start opening gifts.

16. Robert loved to eat lobster. One time he saved up enough money to walk up to the grocery store and buy himself a live one to eat. Somehow he managed to bond with the lobster on the walk home. Once it was time to boil the lobster, it became evident that he didn't understand he had to drop it in while it was still alive. He was obviously a little upset by this, but decided to go ahead with his plan. My dad, seeing that he was distraught, snuck around the corner and waiting until the lobster was going into the pot. As soon as it touched the water, my dad let out a loud, high pitched, "EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!" and Robert screamed and dropped the lobster as he stumbled backwards. Needless to say, he was a little more than pissed. I thought it was hilarious. ;)

17. I wasn't around for this one, but it was told to me by my mom. It goes back to the hopeless romantic/flirt thing... When Robert was in urgent care in the days before his diagnosis, he was really scared, tired and confused- definitely not his usual self. But once, when a nurse walked by, he calmed down for a brief moment, looked at my mom and said, "She's pretty."

18. I fancied myself a ballerina when I was younger. My parents bought me this beautiful (in my 6 year old mind) tutu type dress: gold lamae bodice and poofy white skirt with gold stitching. I stopped wearing it after I stopped taking ballet, but Robert would sneak into my room, put it on, and run around the house giggling. We have a picture of my dad tickling him while he's laughing. I think he could only get the dress 2/3 of the way up his body at that point- it makes the picture even better.

19. Robert knew what he liked, and didn't care what other people thought of his tastes. This explains why, when he was 20 years old, he painted his room a delicate lavender. It may have clashed with his Padres paraphenalia, but he did it anyways.

20. I'd always point out that I was the "older" sibling, and he'd just tell me I was old. Then he'd remind me that he was the only one with a hospital picture, and I'd say it's because he broke the camera.

21. There's a great picture of Robert at 2 years old absolutely covered in red nail polish. He is cracking up and our mom is in the background looking quite unpleased. He was always into something- it was cause for concern when you heard a giggle coming from somewhere in the house.

22. By the time I flew down to San Diego, Robert was already sedated. He was still pretty aware of what was going on around him, though. I walked up to his bed, told him I was there, and held his hand. He squeezed it back, nodded his head that he understood who I was, and then started signing "I love you."

23. His laugh always had a slightly mischevous ring to it, even if he wasn't doing anything wrong. I think he always had something in the works...

24. He had the biggest heart of anyone I know. He rooted for the underdog, he had a nice thing to say about everyone, and was shocked when people were mean to him or to someone he loved. There was an innocence about him, and he expected the same sort of naiveness from the world around him. I think that's what made him such a happy and genuine person...

--

Phew, that was a tough one to write...

I'm headed to the gym for another fartlek workout. Five miles with a 3min hard x 2min easy breakdown. Good thing it's my rest day tomorrow- this run is going to be challenging!!